Barack Hussein Obama (born August 4, 1961) is the 44th and current President of the United States, and the first and only to hold office without the benefit of white skin. Allegedly born in Honolulu, Hawaii, Obama is a graduate of the prestigious Columbia University, and worked as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and civil rights lawyer in Chicago before earning his law degree. He served as a young, shiningly optimistic upstart Illinois State Senator from 1997 to 2004, and made the jump to U.S. Senator from Illinois in 2005, serving as such until 2008.
Obama first started running for president in 2007, after having a cup of coffee in the Senate. Black coffee in a white cup. In 2008, after raking Hillary Clinton across the coals, he won sufficient delegates in the Democratic Party primaries to receive the presidential nomination. He then defeated Republican nominee and cranky old man John McCain in the general election, and was inaugurated as president on January 20, 2009. Nine months after his election, Obama was named the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize laureate for his numerous accomplishments.
During his first term in office, Obama's chief accomplishments were subtle, sweeping changes in policy and government that stabilized the weak economy and shook up Washington, changing the system and world for a brighter and better tomorrow. Some of these policies gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and in turn, a larger number of alarmed citizens. Obama was re-elected president in November 2012, defeating Republican nominee Willard Mittens Romney, and was sworn in for a second term on January 20, 2013.
Obama's supporters have claimed that he has quickly improved the United States government and the country in general. Detractors, on the other hand, claim that he is a foreign-born terrorist and dictator who has never accomplished anything and is trying to establish an imminent totalitarian state. As of his second term, Obama has gotten caught up in a number of scandals, which have given his detractors more fuel to the fire. These include NSA spying, lying about Benghazi, drone striking children in Yemen, and "trying to take away [their] guns."
Early life and career
The Obama family home in Georgetown.
Obama was allegedly born on August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii. His mother, Stanley Ann Dunham, was a white Kansan atheist, while his father, Kanye West, was a black Kenyan Muslim. Early on in his life, Obama spent much of his time whining about his lack of a solid cultural identity, interspersed in his later years with bouts of drug and alcohol abuse. West, hearing of his son's distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all Indonesia. Here, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. He rapidly became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and Islam, two pillars of his current character, and became generally accustomed to Indonesian culture
For the remainder his childhood, Obama was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you, and also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while engaged in a correspondence course with the Soviet embassy. His exposure to many different political systems is probably what influenced his socialist and elitist tendencies later in life. Obama's spare time was spent under his bedcovers reading prosecutorial transcripts, jurist spec. sheets, and Uncle Tom's Cabin with a boy scout flashlight. His later years were spent, doing...uh, pretty much the same thing, except on a surfboard, until he left home and donated his flashlight to the Salvation Army.
After four years of living in a foreign country, and having acclimated himself to its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so, in 1971, he set off to return to his native land. It was at this time that Obama began to experiment with behavior-altering substances. His experience in Hawaii prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, Hawaii was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."
In his late teens, Obama gave up his Muslim heritage and converted to Christianity. Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue) As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. Jeremiah Wright, notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America...U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.
After attending high school in Hawaii, Obama, armed with a new confidence in his identity, set out to attend the prestigious Columbia University. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in Hawaii, and got less-than-average grades. Despite these struggles, Obama graduated from Columbia in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in redundancy. His passionate idealism, long dormant, drips from every letter in his account of his college days.
Obama moved back to Chicago, a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There he went to work as a community organizer, crime-fighter, and civil rights lawyer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. His other work included menial canvassing of the type every Mormon is familiar with. During this time, Obama discovered what would become the key to his political success. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of Illinois.
Senate career
The Brazilian derrière is another broad area of study that Obama has now disavowed.
Obama during his time in the storied Illinois Senate, wearing a tie that mixes dark and light colors.
Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city. He then went on to gain support for his ethics and health care legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his Weather Underground movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.
Obama's time in the Illinois Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. During this time, Obama spread the wealth around his district, and also implemented his new anti-privacy methods, leading communities and churches to lasting prosperity under the watchful eye of the patented Obama Cams®. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all homicide interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at "increasing public safety" and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native Hawaii, and very few Chicagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of Hawaii.
Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois, Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media. Upon reaching Washington, Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of President Bush. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's tendency to let Americans run their own lives.
Despite a radical voting record during his tenure in the Senate, Obama gained a centrist reputation by behaving identically to most other senators: promptly using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to guns. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's last President: "Well, I meant it when I said it."
Presidential campaigns
2008 presidential campaign
Obama delivers his presidential election victory speech in Grant Park from behind a mulatto brown podium. Note the UFO above Obama's head.
- “Dear Diary, I have it! Today, as I sat down to lunch at Burger King, I watched an altercation between a customer whom the cashier had forgotten to give his change. It was then I realized what the American people truly want. How foolish I was to heed the advice of those who have made it into office! They've become so disconnected that they waste all of their time governing, instead of listening, to the people. But I, eating with the common man in that regal restaurant, see those false kings for what they really are. And I will be their usurper.”
- ~ Obama on change
Obama, who couldn't take the government's inaction any longer, announced his candidacy for President of the United States on February 10, 2007. The announcement took place in front of the Old State Capitol building in Springfield, Illinois while surrounded by groupies. His choice of the announcement site was a symbolic one since it was also where Abraham Lincoln delivered his historic "House Divided" speech in 1858. When Obama first ran for president, there were six other candidates running for the Democratic nomination they consisted of Joe Biden, John Edwards, and three other old white guys nobody knew nor cared about.
Under the guidance of King Blagojevich III, Obama trained to become the president. After months of squabbling on stages across the country, the race came down to a young black man and an old whiteman woman. During this time, Obama promoted a message of "hope and change" which mesmerized American voters due to the sweet, melodic tones of his voice and the attraction of the every man to his message. He famously promised Joe the Plumber that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners," usually meaning the audience for that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you" and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager.
Ultimately, "hope and change," apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not Bush, became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and Obama managed to rake primary rival Hillary Clinton across the coals. In June 2008, after defeating Hillary Clinton, Obama started to raise funds for his campaigns and attack the Republican nominee, John McCain, who was considered by Obama to be nothing if not ridiculous. In retaliation, McCain would take off the kid gloves he wore during the Republican primaries and angrily challenged Obama to a friendly non-threatening series of polite town hall meetings across the country where they could hug, sit and talk about the world today with the American populace over a nice warm cup of coffee.
Obama's campaign logo enshrines America as "the land of the setting sun."
During this time, Obama wanted assurance that his coffee wouldn't be so hot that it would burn his tongue; McCain agreed, provided that he have Jell-O after every meal and two tablespoons of Dulcolax stool softener. Obama ended up rejecting the deal; enraged, McCain vowed to release cold-blooded attack ads and insensitive talking points against his opponent. Later on, he sealed his revenge by driving the Straight-Talk Express in front of Obama's campaign bus at an old man's pace, complete with delayed reactions to oncoming traffic.
In August, Obama announced Joe Biden as his running mate; bitter Hillary Clinton voters understandably lost their shit. In response to this, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate bitch on the side, sensing an opportunity to profit from the nation-wide PMS protest. However, despite McCain's efforts, Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough bureaucracy.
After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow. Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.
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